In order to survive, I pushed down life’s greatest joys deep inside of me, only to come out when I finally decided I couldn’t live like this anymore - a big decision for a fourteen-year-old to make. For years that shame was reinforced by threats of and actual violence. Before I was able to enjoy the pleasure and excitement of desire, I learned about shame. It’s taken me years to realize that something really precious was taken away from me: a curiosity about myself. Yes, I did have crushes on other boys in my class, and I didn’t want to feel ashamed for it anymore. Queerness was somehow always attached to me and after that day I decided to stop denying it. That moment was the closest I ever had to coming out. But after externalizing the label, I felt a freedom to finally let myself explore these thoughts and desires buried deep in my brain. Indeed, I actively fed my curiosities for girls, while I starved my curiosities for boys. I could easily access my emotions for them. I had a couple of girlfriends and I was attracted to them. My desires for men were not really accessible to me. “You’re gay?” “Yes, I’m bisexual.”īefore this moment I had never thought of myself as bisexual. A boy called me a maricón and I retorted: “So what if I am?” He looked mortified. I was in 9th grade English class when the straw finally broke the camel’s back. How could I explain to my mom that the kids at school for over a year and a half had called me gay? How could I explain to her that I wasn’t gay even though everyone thought I was? Would she still love me if I did? Even though I still had no idea I was gay - my desire for other boys pushed towards the back of my brain - I felt a deep shame for people thinking I was gay. I brushed off her inquiries and told her that he just had issues and I didn’t know why. In the hours of the waiting room, I hoped that she wouldn’t ask for details as to why I was stabbed. It also happened to be her 30th birthday, which we spent in the emergency room. I strategized ways to tell her as little as possible while also not inviting any further questions. I nervously called my mom and told her that I was feeling ok but that some guy stabbed me in the head with a pencil. She confirmed my fears and told me to go to the emergency room. The fear in his face worried me and he told me that because I was bleeding so much, I should go to the nurse. I asked my fellow tuba-player sitting next to me to look at it. I thought I could just take care of it on my own and no one would have to find out about it. It was during lunch and I only had one more class left, which was band. My first inclination was to not tell anyone because I knew it would come to light that I was being harassed for being perceived to be gay. Then one day, during one of our almost daily scuffles, Daniel - who was at least half a foot taller than me - stabbed me in the head with a pencil. Kicks and punches, nothing I couldn’t fend off. The verbal threats eventually escalated to physical violence. They teased me and even made a Myspace page about me being a faggot. It was my imagined community at a time in my life where I had none.Ī few guys in my middle school thought I was too gay to like punk. Punk music and its rich history, spanning decades and transporting me to different cities like London and New York, became my haven. Being labeled the “gay kid,” in sixth grade made me a social pariah. I started with The Ramones, which instantly became my favorite, before moving to more hardcore bands like The Unseen or Charged GBH. In seventh grade, I fell in love with punk music. Before I was able to be curious about my crushes on other boys, I trained my brain to stop before ever going there. I didn’t know what it meant, but the scrutiny around my mannerisms taught me that it was wrong. I was 11 when people started calling me gay. Naked Guys Blogging searches the web for the hottest naked guys - on the beach, in the shower, outdoors, indoors, kissing and fucking in bed, whereever! Whether they’re just chillin’, cooking in the kitchen, or having sex you’ll find the sexiest naked men here.I never came out to anyone - and the idea of coming out has always been foreign to me. ENTERġ001 Hotties of the day PAUL’S Ultimate Collection Of Hot Guys The Internet - 1001 best tumblr guys - Tumblr Blog with the best male on the net. Naked Guys Blogging searches the web for the hottest naked guys - on the beach, in the shower, outdoors, indoors, kissing and fucking in bed, whereever! Whether they’re just chillin’, cooking in the kitchen, or having sex you’ll find the sexiest naked men here. Best tumblr guys - Tumblr Blog with the best male on the net.